Nurses Just Wanna Have Fun

I just witnessed a nurse play fight. The dream of many a young man. They wrestled each other to the ground whilst laughing. After I made a pun they regaled me with stories of previous rounds (such as dragging each other down the hall by their hair) and the bruising that ensued. It was rather refreshing. I may suggest foxy boxing or the mud pit for next time.

It Burns! It Burns!

It's slightly worrying that a lot of the medical equipment here seems to be made by either Braun or Tyco. A hospital run by food processors and radio controlled cars does sound quite fun though. I've just had my first toxic leak. Differing from the toxic piss, this is where some of the chemicals escape the bag and melt through crap. It's all over my hands and they told me to wash them while they 'suit up' to contain the hazard. Where's my suit? What about my hands? The goggles do nothing!

Splurge

I'm feeling a bit rougher today. Not helped much by the Nazi Nurse™ , there's always one isn't there. That's what they said about Hitler. Anyway, this morning she wouldn't swap my cannula despite me complaining that my arm was hurting and she also wouldn't let me take a shower between 8 hour bags of Chemo. I now haven't had a full wash in 3 days. What is this Guantanamo Bay? I haven't been able to move from bed today apart from to piss as it has all caught up with me. It's visiting hours at the mo, which I hate because I have none. It also means that visitors who don't really want to be here have turned on the golf. There's only one thing more boring then playing golf and that's watching someone else playing golf. Although, Peter Alliss does say the craziest things.

The Malting Continues

My pubic hair has started to fall out, which is annoying because it has only just grown back from after the operation and you get a itchy rash when it returns. With my ever increasing lack of body hair if I where to walk round in white underwear I'd look like some kind of freaky giant chemical baby.

Spread Bets

I had a testicular teratoma removed via an operation but not before the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes. Which begs the question – what the fuck are lymph nodes? One doctor walked off when I asked. I don't think he knew.

I Have A Fan

I finally have a fan, which is nice as it's predicted to be the hottest day ever in UK history since records began. A pleasant fellow on his way out gave it to me. I told him that fans are like currency in hospital, like tabs in prison, but he didn't want anything for it. He probably could of got 50 quid or a least a bumming. The reason we have no fans is because they dismantle them and put them into storage. People are so hot they actually offered to rebuild them themselves instead of wait for staff to get round to it. They weren't allowed because of health and safety. I guess they don't want fan blades shooting off and stabbing people in the face. At least they'd be in the right place.

Caution

Caution
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

Breakdancing while on Chemo is strictly prohibited. Aww... no fair!

Bum Prick Toxic Piss

Every now and then they inject anti-sickness drugs and steroids that enhance their effects. They give you a weird prickly bum sensation. They also inject a drug that is designed to make you do a toxic piss to get the Chemo drugs out of you so not to melt your organs. When I say inject I mean into the cannula not your skin. Just thought I'd give any new cancer sufferers a fair warning – watch out for the Bum Prick Toxic Piss.

Afternoon Nap

For some reason at about 2pm each day they turn off the lights, shut the door and try to make us sleep. I think it's a conspiracy to steal our valuables.

Homer's Still Crazy

This ward isn't getting any more up to date. No telly, no phones, no Internet, no email, no nothing. A friendly male nurse did point out that if I plug my headphones into a socket in the wall I can get an audio feed of terrestrial television. That's right TV radio is the future.

How Odd...

How Odd...
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

I found a jewellers in the hospital. Why comes to mind.

Nurses Are Nice!

I'm getting a £1000 grant from the lovely nurses at MacMillan. A bloke called Andy told me about it. He has prostate cancer, which is a bitch. He told me about his heroin addiction and it reminded me of my own addictions – food, alcohol, drugs and porn. Living for 10 years surrounded by people with addictive personalities learning how not to live my life somehow made me miss my own issues. I'm just glad I never touched Horse, Coke or Special K. I think it was the names that put me off. I hope the money is presented to me in giant novelty cheque form by a pretty nurse. I guess Mike Skinner from The Streets was wrong then – a grand does come for free! I always knew he was a cunt.

Caution

Caution
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

Chemo drugs may cause trips.

Baked With Love

Baked With Love
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

I don't care how much love you used. I ain't eating those cakes. What's with that hand? I think they need to read the Six Steps. This lovely artwork is signed TB. I think that's what they've got.

Six Steps

Six Steps
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

In this day and age do we really need to be told how to wash our hands. Yes, use warm water. Yes and a bit of soap. Yes, squidge it about a bit. OK, I fricking get it!

Maradona!

I've just remembered something M1 told me last time I stopped in, It was to do with fluid collecting in his ball sack and his bollocks inflating to the size of Brazilian mini footballs, you know – the ones they train with. Another reason to feel sorry for the fella. I'll give him one thing his loud mouth attitude sure brought everyone together and got them interacting. I don't even know anyone's name this time round. Oh except K – he's still here! Same bed and everything and they still can't figure out what's wrong with him. So I'm bound to here more tales of calfs being born inside out and the like. Farmers – love 'em or hate 'em. I fucking hate 'em. Except for arable farmers, they rock!

The Vegetarian Option

The Vegetarian Option
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

I've just been offered seafood pasta as the vegetarian option. Those bloody Peskitarians making everyone think we eat fish! I hold sea life in higher regard then many tetrapods. They then suggested soup. As a main meal and on a boiling hot day! Luckily I didn't tell them I'm diabetic or they would have made me have the leek soup. When I think of the soup I see a thick tomato base with chunky vegetable pieces. When the hospital contractor Sovereign thinks of the soup they picture what I can only describe as milk with coloured specks. Thank god I discovered a DeliFresh inside the hospital. They serve chips so it's chips for breakfast, lunch and dinner! I really can't understand why the food is so bad especially in a place where people are recovering from illness and injury. Hang on, it's all that money we pay the drug companies and IT contractors. How I forget. I think there should be unlimited fruit and veg for free. If you're ever in hospital I'll give you a tip – don't eat anything with custard on. It's always terrible – custard hides all!

My New Hair

My New Hair
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

Well I shaved my head the other day and bought a bandanna. So my options are currently the 'Evil Genius' or 'Pirate' look. I've also purchased an Element beanie, but it hasn't arrived yet. Three nurses have already commented on how they like my new look, but I guess that's part of the job – no damn it, it's all me! I'm also considering getting a Trilby or Panama hat for the more formal occasion (thanks for the suggestion Mr B and cheers for the link too Codballs). I found out I'm also entitled to a free wig, which I wasn't interested in, until my bro suggested it might be worth it for the comedic value a la Bernard Chumley. Worth a thought.

Arrrgh!

Arrrgh!
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

My hair's falling out. This isn't a pleasant experience. I know that it doesn't look like much but I don't really want to pull more out for a photo. I'll have to shave my head in the morning and buy my cancer hat - much sooner then I thought I'd have to. I thought a nice Zoo York beanie would do the trick, but the bloody thing's out of stock because it's fucking boiling hot outside. After I find one I'll post a photo.

Another 30 Minutes

It went a lot smoother this week. It actually took half an hour and there wasn't any waiting around. My nurse was also a lot more competent. She was Scotish, liked a good crack and seemed to take a lot more time and care. My doc was practically astonished at my lack of side effects this time round. But hey that's me - I write a blog about humans taking drugs - it kinda goes with the territory.

My First Day Visit

My First Day Visit
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

Well my 30 minute day visit lasted 2 hours. I had to wait an hour before being seen. Then the nurse didn't start the drip correctly, but I didn't want to say anything, because - you know - it's their job and that. Anyway it started to hurt after a while so I brought it to their attention and I had to start all over again. On the plus side I don't feel sick from this round of Chemo, which I didn't know, so that's cool. My hand hurts like a bastard though and I have a fuck off bruise. The specialist said I was coping really well with the side effects or lack of in my case. I think it might have something to do with my previous chemical exploits and their comedowns.