The Results!

Jurassic 5
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

Hooray! I'm cancer free and to celebrate I went to see J5 play live in Newcastle. Me and my bro went back stage and hung out chatting about music, sport and the differences between our countries.

We also invented a new gameshow called Guess That Bump - Numark won hands down - it's like he's got some kind of weird DJ super hero sense for guessing what song is playing just from the bump you can hear when back stage.

This was all possible thanks to a charity called the Willow Foundation set up by Bob Wilson. If you know someone with a serious illness treat them and their families to a special day by getting in touch (the link's on the right).

So ladles and jelly spoons I've beaten Depression, Addiction, Bell's Palsy, Type I Diabetes, Diabetic Symmetric Peripheral Polyneuropathy and most recently Testicular and Lymph Node Cancer. What should I get next year? Answers on a postcard.

Beers
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

Hooray! It's over. The best way to end a 9 week course of Chemo is with some, more delicious, ice brewed chemicals. I'll be back to update you guys on whether I'm Cancer free after my scan in the next couple of weeks. Peace out!

Shout Outs!

I want to do some shout outs to the people that have helped me through the treatment. First I want to mention my family, my mam and bro, who have been there for me unconditionally. Next Leon, Blackett, Dave, Claire and Barbara who have shown so much support for me. Also everyone who has left comments on my blog - it's great to have people I've never met say nice things and wish me well. Finally I'd like to ask you all to give my other sites a visit: www.myspace.com/stem100, www.stem.me.uk and stem100.blogspot.com. Hope you enjoy them. Peace out! Stem.

Milking It

Milking It
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

Having Cancer is a real bitch, especially when you're chasing it around your body. However, if you're prepared to milk it you do find it has the odd benefit. For instance the £500 grant I've just received from Macmillan Cancer Care. It's half of what I was told I could get by that bloke Andy, but still an ample sum. I am very thankful. They do great work and the money will help with my ever increasing credit card debt.

I have also applyed to the Willow Foundation for a 'special day'. My day is to go see Jurassic 5 at Newcastle Academy and go backstage to meet them. I can't fucking wait! Also, I accidently touched a nurse's breast. Seriously, it was an accident. No, really. My bro suggested I attempt to get a bosom facial (his new phrase of the month) a la Open All Hours. I asked how one would attempt such a manuva and he said: Get a nurse to adjust something behind your head then get some timely back cramps and thrust the face upwards. I like his style.

The View From My Window

The View From My Window
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

Now that's some funky parking. In a stripey no parking zone and blocking access to 2 disabled parking spaces. I'd say they were in a hurry but they've been there for about 20 minutes so far.

Salt Of The Earth

I've met some really nice people on my last in-patient visit. K is still here. He's been in for around 6 months now, but he goes home today. Hurah! T is a really sound guy. He's in his 70's, has bone marrow cancer and is really funny. He's also fallen off a varity of things including roofs, moving vehicles and showers and he's had a few heart attacks for good measure. His family are all funny too. I've made friends with an Asian family as well. They're very chilled out. It's nice to meet people like this because I don't get any visitors. I'm feeling OK about this final stretch because I have people to chat to.

The Piss Room

The Piss Room
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

When I go to the clinic to see my doc before I have Chemo they stick me in the piss room. As you can tell by the name it stinks of piss and has done for many weeks. No matter what they do they just can't get rid of that stench. There are plenty of empty rooms here - why must they continue to put me in here?

Middlesbrough: Don't Come Here - Part 2

Middlesbrough: Don't Come Here - Part 2
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

You also have the choice of Pecker Earings. Yes, mini penis' hanging from your ears. Now that's classy. Come on ladies, Teesside's the place to be!

Middlesbrough: Don't Come Here - Part 1

Middlesbrough: Don't Come Here - Part 1
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

As I run out of things in the hospital to laugh at, I'm widening the search to Middlesbrough in general. When you arrive at the bus station you're greeted with these Flashing Breast Lights. It really sets the mood for the rest of your trip. Let's just say it's a high that's rarely beaten.

Pan Pipes Are Shit...

Pan Pipes Are Shit...
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

Especially The Beatles greatest hits (destroyed) for fuck sakes. Why is waiting room music so shite?

Nurses Just Wanna Have Fun

I just witnessed a nurse play fight. The dream of many a young man. They wrestled each other to the ground whilst laughing. After I made a pun they regaled me with stories of previous rounds (such as dragging each other down the hall by their hair) and the bruising that ensued. It was rather refreshing. I may suggest foxy boxing or the mud pit for next time.

It Burns! It Burns!

It's slightly worrying that a lot of the medical equipment here seems to be made by either Braun or Tyco. A hospital run by food processors and radio controlled cars does sound quite fun though. I've just had my first toxic leak. Differing from the toxic piss, this is where some of the chemicals escape the bag and melt through crap. It's all over my hands and they told me to wash them while they 'suit up' to contain the hazard. Where's my suit? What about my hands? The goggles do nothing!

Splurge

I'm feeling a bit rougher today. Not helped much by the Nazi Nurse™ , there's always one isn't there. That's what they said about Hitler. Anyway, this morning she wouldn't swap my cannula despite me complaining that my arm was hurting and she also wouldn't let me take a shower between 8 hour bags of Chemo. I now haven't had a full wash in 3 days. What is this Guantanamo Bay? I haven't been able to move from bed today apart from to piss as it has all caught up with me. It's visiting hours at the mo, which I hate because I have none. It also means that visitors who don't really want to be here have turned on the golf. There's only one thing more boring then playing golf and that's watching someone else playing golf. Although, Peter Alliss does say the craziest things.

The Malting Continues

My pubic hair has started to fall out, which is annoying because it has only just grown back from after the operation and you get a itchy rash when it returns. With my ever increasing lack of body hair if I where to walk round in white underwear I'd look like some kind of freaky giant chemical baby.

Spread Bets

I had a testicular teratoma removed via an operation but not before the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes. Which begs the question – what the fuck are lymph nodes? One doctor walked off when I asked. I don't think he knew.

I Have A Fan

I finally have a fan, which is nice as it's predicted to be the hottest day ever in UK history since records began. A pleasant fellow on his way out gave it to me. I told him that fans are like currency in hospital, like tabs in prison, but he didn't want anything for it. He probably could of got 50 quid or a least a bumming. The reason we have no fans is because they dismantle them and put them into storage. People are so hot they actually offered to rebuild them themselves instead of wait for staff to get round to it. They weren't allowed because of health and safety. I guess they don't want fan blades shooting off and stabbing people in the face. At least they'd be in the right place.

Caution

Caution
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

Breakdancing while on Chemo is strictly prohibited. Aww... no fair!

Bum Prick Toxic Piss

Every now and then they inject anti-sickness drugs and steroids that enhance their effects. They give you a weird prickly bum sensation. They also inject a drug that is designed to make you do a toxic piss to get the Chemo drugs out of you so not to melt your organs. When I say inject I mean into the cannula not your skin. Just thought I'd give any new cancer sufferers a fair warning – watch out for the Bum Prick Toxic Piss.

Afternoon Nap

For some reason at about 2pm each day they turn off the lights, shut the door and try to make us sleep. I think it's a conspiracy to steal our valuables.

Homer's Still Crazy

This ward isn't getting any more up to date. No telly, no phones, no Internet, no email, no nothing. A friendly male nurse did point out that if I plug my headphones into a socket in the wall I can get an audio feed of terrestrial television. That's right TV radio is the future.

How Odd...

How Odd...
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

I found a jewellers in the hospital. Why comes to mind.

Nurses Are Nice!

I'm getting a £1000 grant from the lovely nurses at MacMillan. A bloke called Andy told me about it. He has prostate cancer, which is a bitch. He told me about his heroin addiction and it reminded me of my own addictions – food, alcohol, drugs and porn. Living for 10 years surrounded by people with addictive personalities learning how not to live my life somehow made me miss my own issues. I'm just glad I never touched Horse, Coke or Special K. I think it was the names that put me off. I hope the money is presented to me in giant novelty cheque form by a pretty nurse. I guess Mike Skinner from The Streets was wrong then – a grand does come for free! I always knew he was a cunt.

Caution

Caution
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

Chemo drugs may cause trips.

Baked With Love

Baked With Love
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

I don't care how much love you used. I ain't eating those cakes. What's with that hand? I think they need to read the Six Steps. This lovely artwork is signed TB. I think that's what they've got.

Six Steps

Six Steps
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

In this day and age do we really need to be told how to wash our hands. Yes, use warm water. Yes and a bit of soap. Yes, squidge it about a bit. OK, I fricking get it!

Maradona!

I've just remembered something M1 told me last time I stopped in, It was to do with fluid collecting in his ball sack and his bollocks inflating to the size of Brazilian mini footballs, you know – the ones they train with. Another reason to feel sorry for the fella. I'll give him one thing his loud mouth attitude sure brought everyone together and got them interacting. I don't even know anyone's name this time round. Oh except K – he's still here! Same bed and everything and they still can't figure out what's wrong with him. So I'm bound to here more tales of calfs being born inside out and the like. Farmers – love 'em or hate 'em. I fucking hate 'em. Except for arable farmers, they rock!

The Vegetarian Option

The Vegetarian Option
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

I've just been offered seafood pasta as the vegetarian option. Those bloody Peskitarians making everyone think we eat fish! I hold sea life in higher regard then many tetrapods. They then suggested soup. As a main meal and on a boiling hot day! Luckily I didn't tell them I'm diabetic or they would have made me have the leek soup. When I think of the soup I see a thick tomato base with chunky vegetable pieces. When the hospital contractor Sovereign thinks of the soup they picture what I can only describe as milk with coloured specks. Thank god I discovered a DeliFresh inside the hospital. They serve chips so it's chips for breakfast, lunch and dinner! I really can't understand why the food is so bad especially in a place where people are recovering from illness and injury. Hang on, it's all that money we pay the drug companies and IT contractors. How I forget. I think there should be unlimited fruit and veg for free. If you're ever in hospital I'll give you a tip – don't eat anything with custard on. It's always terrible – custard hides all!

My New Hair

My New Hair
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

Well I shaved my head the other day and bought a bandanna. So my options are currently the 'Evil Genius' or 'Pirate' look. I've also purchased an Element beanie, but it hasn't arrived yet. Three nurses have already commented on how they like my new look, but I guess that's part of the job – no damn it, it's all me! I'm also considering getting a Trilby or Panama hat for the more formal occasion (thanks for the suggestion Mr B and cheers for the link too Codballs). I found out I'm also entitled to a free wig, which I wasn't interested in, until my bro suggested it might be worth it for the comedic value a la Bernard Chumley. Worth a thought.

Arrrgh!

Arrrgh!
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

My hair's falling out. This isn't a pleasant experience. I know that it doesn't look like much but I don't really want to pull more out for a photo. I'll have to shave my head in the morning and buy my cancer hat - much sooner then I thought I'd have to. I thought a nice Zoo York beanie would do the trick, but the bloody thing's out of stock because it's fucking boiling hot outside. After I find one I'll post a photo.

Another 30 Minutes

It went a lot smoother this week. It actually took half an hour and there wasn't any waiting around. My nurse was also a lot more competent. She was Scotish, liked a good crack and seemed to take a lot more time and care. My doc was practically astonished at my lack of side effects this time round. But hey that's me - I write a blog about humans taking drugs - it kinda goes with the territory.

My First Day Visit

My First Day Visit
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

Well my 30 minute day visit lasted 2 hours. I had to wait an hour before being seen. Then the nurse didn't start the drip correctly, but I didn't want to say anything, because - you know - it's their job and that. Anyway it started to hurt after a while so I brought it to their attention and I had to start all over again. On the plus side I don't feel sick from this round of Chemo, which I didn't know, so that's cool. My hand hurts like a bastard though and I have a fuck off bruise. The specialist said I was coping really well with the side effects or lack of in my case. I think it might have something to do with my previous chemical exploits and their comedowns.

Conclusions

Conclusions
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

As my treatment comes to a close I have no real conclusions on Chemotherapy. I know I wish I didn't have to do it. I know it breeds an amazing spirit within patients that brings them together to share experiences, support each other and complain about hospitals. I know it's not as bad as people must imagine. I know I'm glad I have a 90% chance of being cured. I know I'm shiting myself about the other 10%. But apart from that no real conclusions yet.

Sugar Is A Drug

Sugar Is A Drug
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

Diabetic Jelly is the new Diabetic Charlie satire fans. This desert had no sugar but plenty of ground up animal bones and absolutely no taste, just the colour yellow.

Well at least Middlesbrough have a vegetarian option that ain't just a big block of cheese with a boiled egg in the middle and a glass of milk on the side.

However like most hospitals they still don't understand Diabetes. When they discovered I was diabetic they decided without consultation or cohesive reason to amend by lunch replacing my vegetable soup with leek soup (...why!?) and apple cake and custard with prunes!

Note to all medical staff: insulin opens the gateway for sugar into the body's cells thus I can eat what the fuck I want - you don't need to take the decision out of a 23 year old's hands. Oh yeah, and vegetable soup ain't got no sugar in it.

Role Call Yall

Role Call Yall
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

We have: M1 - The youngest at 19. Quiet. Reads Zoo, Loaded and The Sun. Has lost his hair through Chemo. Nice enough lad.

Next up is M2: The friendliest of the group. Can be a bit raw at times, loud and swears all the time. He's very longwinded when he gets going. Seems to talk about pigeons and grit alot. He is having both Chemo and Radiotherapy and his wife had cancer too so I feel for the guy.

Next K: He pissed himself but is alright enough. He's an ex-farmer from Wensleydale so I get on well with him coming from neighbouring Swaledale.

Now D: Clearly the poshest of the lot as he reads books and that. Doesn't say much and is getting a bit sick of M2 being so nice to him.

And finally G. He's got an awful lot of anecdotes for one man, but at least they go somewhere unlike M2's pigeon talks. Saying that he did talk about bread for 45 minutes.

This is the weird and wonderful bunch that make up Ward 14, Bay 4 - so good they named it twice.

No TV and No Beer Make Homer Something Something...

Go mad? Don't mind if I do! This ward is a bit behind most on facilities. There is one TV but it's between everyone and the channel of choice for a room full of strangers seems to be ITV1 all the way. It's a safe bet to not offend most people. However I'm not most people and watching it angries up the blood. I'm sick of The Price Is Right already and I've only seen it once.

I do however miss my own phone. It's nice to think people can get in touch. I seem to be getting away with using a mobile phone like most Cancer sufferers. It would have to be a very ballsy nurse (no pun intended) to stop someone whose having Chemo from doing just about anything really.

Sexism In The Drugplace

Sexism In The Drugplace
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

Why is the nurse call button so sexist? For a start it's a women not a metro-gender being. It's called codemlon, which I can only imagine you pronounce code melon. That kinda speaks for itself. Also she's wearing a very short skirt, drinking a pint of bitter and for some reason her legs taper to points. She might want to get that seen to.

The Wait

The Wait
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

Waiting for my treatment to start took 3 hours as there were 12 people in front of me and no drugs available. I've now started the first stage of treatment, which basically involves more waiting around as salty water is pumped into my body. This could possibly be the most boring illness in the whole world!

Well it's getting slightly more interesting. My bag has been swapped - I now have toxic chemicals flowing through my veins! Also, I've found other youngish people, which makes it slightly less alien. So far I feel fine apart from a slight metally taste in my mouth.

I now have my own bed but it's in a ward from the dark ages. I guess the wait is over and the journey has begun...

Would You Wank Here?

Would You Wank Here?
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

I have. Twice. At least they had a classier porn mag this time. Mayfair is much more acceptable, can't be havin' Razzle folks. Looking at your own sperm swimming away underneath a microscope next to a bloke called Dave is a weird experience but also slightly nice. Dave is a very trusting fellow. He shook my hand both before and after the event. I assured him I had washed my hands, which he was grateful for, but it kinda made him think about the others.

What You Find In Pound Shops

What You Find In Pound Shops
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

My mam once said the thing about pound shops is, everything they sell is worth about a pound. In other words it's not like you're getting a good deal or anything.

Anyway I found this glow in the dark cannabis right as you go through the door. It was 25p. How are you meant to explain this to yer kids? Only in the UK!

GP's Admit Crimes

GP's Admit Crimes
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

I found this funny. At least they're honest about why it takes so long to get in and see them. It's because they're in the car park nicking the contents of your glovebox.

Frozen Jizz

Frozen Jizz
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

Tomorrow I have to wank into a cup in the afternoon in a strange place. That's right I'm storing sperm in case the Chemo makes me infertile. Great fun!

I wonder if any nurses are allowed to help out?

3 Vices In 1

3 Vices In 1
Originally uploaded by stemflickr.

Here you find in my home town all your vices in one handy shopping complex.

Why not buy some fatty fast food, get some organ corroding booze and put a bet on your favourite horse. All we need now is some scanky hos and a crack den. Oh wait we've already got those down the street.

These literally are the local amenities for this area of town. Luckily I don't live round here or I would probably still be practicing 'humans and drugs' and not writing about it.

Hello World!

Welcome to Chemical Therapy, a blog about humans and drugs. In my life I've encountered Depression, Addiction, Bell's Palsy, Type I Diabetes, Diabetic Symmetric Peripheral Polyneuropathy and most recently Testicular Cancer.

All of these afflictions have involved chemicals in one way or another and as I'm about to undergo Chemotherapy I thought it would be interesting to record my thoughts through the process in this blog. Hopefully it might help someone who's about to face a similar experience or it could just be interesting, funny and hopefully moving.

My treatment starts on the 27th of June and lasts for 9 weeks. I'll be sending in a report at the end of each week. Wish me luck and keep reading to find out how it goes.